Archive for Couples

Be Right Or Be Together?

Would your decision be easier if “being together” didn’t necessarily mean “being wrong”?

A lot of couples argue about who’s right, and “The Truth”, as if there was an objective reality. And, of course, each partner believes he/she is the one who’s right. I call this “Right Fighting” and here’s why it’s a waste of time…

being right or together

Because 100% of the time what you’re arguing over is perception, not reality. Perception is a matter of opinion. You get to have your opinion and your partner gets to have his/her opinion. Period. Always.

Was he nagging you, or merely reminding you? Was she criticizing you, or merely pointing out what she thinks is a more efficient way? Coming up with a scientific method to draw the line between the two is neither productive or helpful. It doesn’t matter whether he was nagging or reminding, she was criticizing or suggesting.

You both have core values on the line here, and therefore neither of you is going to budge an inch on the definition. The good news is, it doesn’t matter. Find a word you can both agree to use (and if that takes more than 2 minutes, at least one of you is quibbling) and get on to the crux of the matter. That’s what the behavior means to each person. What was your experience with these behaviors when you were growing up? How about for your partner?

If exploring these meanings doesn’t increase your compassion towards your partner, it might be worth consulting with someone like me to help you and your beloved get out of the rut of Right Fighting and power struggles.

balance scales

Or you can keep repeating your battle over an unresolvable pattern, escalating the conflict in each replay, until one of you checks out of the relationship.

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Couples

Mine, Yours, Ours

Scenario #1: Time
Joseph walks in the door and Letitia immediately starts telling him about her day and asking him questions about family plans. “Why can’t she give me some peace and quiet when I get home?” he later grouses to his friends.

Scenario #2: Space
Over dinner Betsy asks Paul where her library books are, that she had placed by the back door. When he tells her he needed to put something down there and moved them, she replies, “I had them there to remind me to return them on the way to work. Now they are overdue and we have a fine.”

Scenario #3: Money
Fred is balancing the family credit card statement and asks his domestic partner, Ross, about one of the charges. Ross responds he took his sister out for a birthday lunch. Fred replies, “Did you have to go to such an expensive place? We’re not going to have enough saved up for our vacation if you spend money at this rate.”

Do you identify with any of these scenarios?

They are examples of common areas of conflict between couples. They arise from core differences (I’ll talk about that in another post).

If any of these or related issues keep coming up with you and your mate, most likely you just want to figure out how to get past them. Repeating problems – where the same issue arises again and again in a relationship – can resist our best efforts to resolve them.

One approach that is helpful to some of the couples I work with is “Mine, Yours, Ours”. Every couple needs to figure out what’s mine, what’s yours, and what’s ours.

People create a couple relationship when they want to share important parts of their life with another. Just as importantly, everyone needs some privacy in their life. We all need to have things that are just for us alone. The question then becomes, what things and to what extent are they shared versus private.

You might have guessed from the above scenarios, that three major things that can be considered from a “Mine, Yours, Ours” standpoint are time, space, and money. These are some of the biggest areas of life and no surprise that they are often argued about between couples.

Of course, “the devil is in the details” as they say. Negotiating and respecting both your and your partner’s needs can take several experiments followed by honest discussion. Remember, each of us is the way we are for legitimate reasons-there’s almost no right or wrong involved; just two people who love each other and happen to have different ways of maintaining emotional and lifestyle comfort. You can download my chart and give it a try!

Looking back over your relationship history (and not just romantic relationships, but any of them) can you remember a time when this factor played out? What happened, and what might you do differently today?

Click image for entire form
mine, yours, ours

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Couples • Getting What You Want • Resources • Worksheets

Stop Fighting, part 2 of 2

In my last post, I explained why it’s not realistic to think you can stop fighting completely with your spouse / partner. I assumed that you picked the option of wanting to stay in the relationship and improve it. (The other two options are to end the relationship or to stay in it without changing anything in an effective or positive way.)

fighting couple

So at this point you might be wondering what I can do to help you improve this important relationship that has somehow gotten mired down in increasingly negative feelings. Accept that you and your partner will have disagreements from time to time. Commit to learning how to make your quarrels productive and less hurtful. In fact, a well-handled dispute can actually enhance intimacy in your relationship!

I’ve got some great information and tools I can share with you. We now have over 30 years of studies showing us what works in couple / marriage counseling. And I regularly train with some of the best therapists of our time.

My approach in working with clients is to address the 3 areas I believe are crucial to success:

  1. Attitude
  2. Skills
  3. Barriers

Attitude is the key area. Without the right attitude, all the skills in the world won’t help and any barriers present will be impervious to my best techniques. Attitude is related to motivation. Most of us start therapy feeling at least a little ambivalent. That’s normal, and it’s fine if that’s where you are, too. I can help you explore that ambivalence and suggest ways to strengthen your motivation, if that’s what you want.

Skills are about adding some tools to your repertoire; more effective ways to communicate, problem-solve, and negotiate. It takes lots of practice and a willingness to make mistakes to learn new skills well. Remember learning to ride a bicycle? Once that new skill becomes a habit, you will experience greater ease and satisfaction in using it.

Barriers refers to those things that try to get in the way of you moving forward. Things like mistaken beliefs, unrealistic expectations, maladaptive patterns and role models learned when you were a child. Sometimes these things give way easily, sometimes they need a little extra attention.

Which of these 3 areas will be hardest for you to work with? What successes have you had already?

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Couples

Stop Fighting, part 1 of 2

Many couples call me because they have reached a point where the conflict in their relationship has become too much to bear. They’re angry, exhausted, lonely, and afraid. Not a comfortable place!

fighting couple

The shocking news I have to give them is I can’t help this couple – these two lovely people – to stop fighting. And, actually, no one else can either.

Let me explain. Go get a pen and paper; I’ll wait. Ready? Okay, now write down a list of people you know–family, friends, coworkers, and other people (such as bank tellers, waitresses, cashiers) who you come into contact with on a regular basis.

When you’ve done that, put a star in front of those people you sometimes fight with. Put two stars if the two of you argue frequently.

What do your starred people have in common? If you’re like many people, you answered “The people I’m closest to,” or “The people I care about most.”

So can you see that it’s perfectly natural that the more intimate the relationship, the more likely you will be to step on each others toes, and experience conflict? Not too surprising, really, once you think it over a bit.

“How do my mate and I stop fighting?” is a trick question. To stop disagreeing with someone is to either not spend time with them or to care so little about their opinion that you have no interest in arguing. I hope you and your mate are not at this point! What you probably do want is a way to handle disagreements while maintaining closeness with your partner.

And see Stop Fighting, part 2 for what I can do to help you with that.

 

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Couples

Couple or Individual Counseling? (part 2 of 2)

The second situation (from part 1) is focused more on your internal needs and thoughts. You might be hesitant to attend with your partner. You might suspect that some of your core issues are at the root of the problems you’re experiencing. Or, you might be confused about whether the problems are just yours to deal with or an issue for joint attention. This last one is especially common in the early stages of a relationship.

Factors to think about for these circumstances:

  • Your partner’s willingness to go with you if you wanted that.
  • The degree to which you want to focus on your inner experience of the relationship versus the outward interactions between the two of you. This is a matter of personal taste and no way is inherently right or wrong for your situation.

Did you know that most couples wait about 6 years to get help? How long do you think it takes to improve problems 6 years in the making? And what might you predict about getting help sooner?

Again, the take-away:

Getting help now before problems escalate into something harder to deal with is more important than whether you do individual or couple counseling.

Have you had individual counseling that helped with your relationships? Have you had couple counseling that helped you with your personal thoughts and feelings?

 

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Couples • Individuals

Couple or Individual Counseling? (part 1 of 2)

In this post, I’m going to give you the “executive summary” then discuss some of the ramifications of this question:

Getting help now before problems escalate into something harder to deal with is more important than whether you do individual or couple counseling.

Sometimes it’s clear which is the best choice for you when trying to decide between individual or couple counseling. There are two main situations where you might find yourself wondering which option would be more helpful:

  1. Your companion doesn’t want to go to counseling
  2. You’re uncertain about whether the problems are your stuff or the relationship’s stuff

The first situation is focused on the other person and is easier to address. You can pressure your partner into attending anyway, maintain open communication about wanting to attend with them and hope you persuade them someday, or go alone and ask your therapist to help you with your troubling relationship.

Some considerations about these approaches:

  • A reluctant attendee might come around if he/she can make a connection with the therapist and the process of therapy.
  • Waiting and hoping your partner will someday agree with you runs the risk that they won’t. Or that things will become so bad it will take even more time and effort to repair. Or even that the relationship will end.
  • If you start counseling, your companion may choose to join you later. But if not, even individual therapy can help you effectively work on changing your role in the relationship, which is really all you can do in couple counseling anyway.

Have you had individual counseling that helped with your relationships? Have you had couple counseling that helped you with your personal thoughts and feelings?

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Couples • Individuals

Couple Counseling – Who Needs It?

(Note: Couple Counseling aka Marriage Counseling aka Relationship Counseling)

The short answer is “Anyone who thinks he/she does.” (The person who “needs” counseling but doesn’t believe he/she does, is a trickier issue which I’ll post about another time.)

Now, if your companion is willing to go to counseling, the two of you can work on your stuff together. But if he/she isn’t, you can see a therapist for individual sessions and still work effectively on the relationship issues that are bothering you.

There’s another kind of “who” from the title: the couple that is experiencing a specific problem – as in, “What kinds of relationship problems need counseling?” Well, counseling for couples ranges from relationship enrichment to resolving serious issues. Some partners want to deepen their understanding of themselves in the context of the relationship, to foster more intimacy with their loved one. Others have problems managing expectations, differences, and the inevitable conflict that arise from sharing important parts of on’s life with another person. More complicated problems involve “outside” forces, such as people, substances, or behaviors.

Most people that take a cooking class already know how to cook. They are seeking new information and new techniques. They are basically hiring the cooking instructor as a consultant to:

  • teach them new stuff
  • give them a chance to practice and get feedback
  • have their questions answered by an expert

A good relationship counselor will do the same: give you new ideas and skills to try out, and share their knowledge in support and pursuit of your goals.

In any case, though, the person or couple is looking for a way to fix a painful problem. So if you’ve got one of those, and are feeling stuck because nothing you’ve already tried has worked, then a therapist who works with couples might be able to bring a fresh perspective to help you out.

If you have tried relationship counseling, what worked and what didn’t? If you haven’t made use of therapy yet for help with relationship issues, what would you want? How bad would things have to get to motivate you to get some help?

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About Counseling • Couples