Twin Cities Relationship Resources, LLC

Archive for Resources

Suffering from an ANT Invasion?

ANTs: Automatic Negative Thoughts

ANTs are automatic negative thoughts. We all have them at times. Sometimes we have so many they crowd out more balanced or realistic thoughts and overwhelm us with feelings of unworthiness, incompetence, hopelessness, or failure.

These thoughts are masters at appearing realistic and conning us into believing them. Then they do their damage of changing the way we see things and how we react to the world around us. They pretend they are trying to keep you safe and free from hurt, but all they do is to shrink your world.

Some common ANTs are:

Oh, I can’t do that—it doesn’t even make sense to try.
I’m just not good enough.
I’d only end up failing again.
I would make a fool of myself if I tried.
Deep down inside I know there’s something wrong with me.
_________________________ (What’s an ANT that hangs around you a lot?)

At first, it might be hard to see the influence these destructive critters exert over your feelings and moods. Being aware of them is the first step to developing some influence of your own. I’ve read estimates that a person has 12,000–50,000 thoughts per day! Many of those are not conscious, so the first thing to do is slow down and tune into the thoughts running through your mind.

Once you slow down and identify the ANTs, the next step is to put them to the test. A little logic, a little truth, and a measure of compassion readily shows their weakness. Challenge those limiting ANTs with these questions:

Is that really so?
How do I react when I believe that thought?
What’s the supporting evidence?
What’s the evidence against it?
What are the exceptions to it?

Some additional, advanced-level questions:

Is there a guarantee that it can’t be different?
Where is the rule that I can’t try?
Am I willing to take the risk of succeeding, learning something positive, or enjoying myself?
Without that thought, who would I be?
When, where, and how did I develop these thoughts?
What good might happen if I chose to re-think them?

What’s one small, compelling thing you can do today to test out how the world can work differently from an ANT’s belief?

Rebecca | No comments | Tags: ANTs, automatic negative thoughts, challenging what holds you back

Problems • Resources

Mine, Yours, Ours

Scenario #1: Time
Joseph walks in the door and Letitia immediately starts telling him about her day and asking him questions about family plans. “Why can’t she give me some peace and quiet when I get home?” he later grouses to his friends.

Scenario #2: Space
Over dinner Betsy asks Paul where her library books are, that she had placed by the back door. When he tells her he needed to put something down there and moved them, she replies, “I had them there to remind me to return them on the way to work. Now they are overdue and we have a fine.”

Scenario #3: Money
Fred is balancing the family credit card statement and asks his domestic partner, Ross, about one of the charges. Ross responds he took his sister out for a birthday lunch. Fred replies, “Did you have to go to such an expensive place? We’re not going to have enough saved up for our vacation if you spend money at this rate.”

Do you identify with any of these scenarios?

They are examples of common areas of conflict between couples. They arise from core differences (I’ll talk about that in another post).

If any of these or related issues keep coming up with you and your mate, most likely you just want to figure out how to get past them. Repeating problems – where the same issue arises again and again in a relationship – can resist our best efforts to resolve them.

One approach that is helpful to some of the couples I work with is “Mine, Yours, Ours”. Every couple needs to figure out what’s mine, what’s yours, and what’s ours.

People create a couple relationship when they want to share important parts of their life with another. Just as importantly, everyone needs some privacy in their life. We all need to have things that are just for us alone. The question then becomes, what things and to what extent are they shared versus private.

You might have guessed from the above scenarios, that three major things that can be considered from a “Mine, Yours, Ours” standpoint are time, space, and money. These are some of the biggest areas of life and no surprise that they are often argued about between couples.

Of course, “the devil is in the details” as they say. Negotiating and respecting both your and your partner’s needs can take several experiments followed by honest discussion. Remember, each of us is the way we are for legitimate reasons-there’s almost no right or wrong involved; just two people who love each other and happen to have different ways of maintaining emotional and lifestyle comfort. You can download my chart and give it a try!

Looking back over your relationship history (and not just romantic relationships, but any of them) can you remember a time when this factor played out? What happened, and what might you do differently today?

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mine, yours, ours

Rebecca | No comments | Tags: Communicating, Negotiating, Relationships

Couples • Getting What You Want • Resources • Worksheets

Try Something Different

There’s a famous quote defining insanity as doing the same thing again and again, yet expecting different results. We laugh because on the face of it we recognize the futility of such behavior while also being aware we’ve each been guilty of doing exactly what is being warned against.

Do you wonder, along with me, what’s going on that this is such a universal experience we joke about it?

My theory is that we often get so focused on the result we want, that we don’t stop to realize we’re still using a method that’s been proven to fail. Even if you know your approach isn’t the best way to go about handling a situation, still, you want something to be different.

And that’s exactly what I recommend:

do something different

Notice when you’re not getting what you want and instead of blaming the other person for not giving it to you, challenge yourself to try something different. Look at some change you can make in what you’re doing that might work better at attracting what you want.

Think of it as a mini science experiment. Write down the problem then think about a new, positive behavior you can try. Test it out and discover what you can learn from doing something different. Repeat, using your new information to get closer and closer to the results you want.

This can be tough to do on your own. When you care about something a great deal, it can be hard to step back and look at the “big picture” of the situation. If you’re stuck, find someone to help you. That’s one of the things I do–help people get unstuck.

Maybe you remember a time when you were trying to get a different result by doing the same thing, but then experienced a shift that helped you go about it in a better way. What happened that you could bring that about?

Rebecca | No comments | Tags: Change, Negotiating, Relationships

Resources

Free Marriage Counseling

Several times every week visitors arrive at my website who are searching on some variation of “free marriage counseling.”

I wish I could offer my services for free. After all, I got into this line of work because I’m passionate about helping people change stuck patterns into more satisfying ways of relating. But, until I win the lottery, or something equally lucrative, my business model has to include charging fees for my services.

However, I do know many people are living on tight budgets, especially these days. Aside from many people’s discomfort around consulting with a trained professional (and stranger) about everyday (though difficult) relationships and feelings, spending money on counseling seems like a luxury when you are having difficulty paying your rent or mortgage. In our society, our physical life gets more attention than our emotional/psychological health–but that’s another post.

I really want to honor and empower any couple – or individual in a troubling relationship – ready and willing to do the work of improving their relationship. So here’s a list of resources to get you started in receiving the help you deserve in transforming your current problem. Depending on the severity of the problem and length of time of time it’s been present, your initiative/motivation, and a bit of luck, one or more of these may be useful to you:

If you belong to a worship community, your clergy person may offer several low to no cost meetings. He or she will also likely have a list of therapist referrals.
Look up “community mental health clinics” in the yellow pages or a search engine. There are several agencies offering counseling on a sliding scale basis. Most common is individual counseling, so when you call ask if couple or marriage counseling is offered.
Search online for credible information on your specific topic.
Check for a relevant self-help book at your local library or through inter-library loan.
I do offer a few reduced fee time slots. Contact me to discuss this option.

These methods have served some people well. First try the ones that appeal to you the most. A “good fit” is key to successfully making changes. Give it some sustained effort – it takes practice to shift ingrained habits into new behaviors.

Best wishes, and let me know what’s worked for you!

Rebecca | No comments | Tags: Cost

About Counseling • Resources

Life Balance Wheel

You might be familiar with this tool already. There are many versions posted online.

Each of the “pie slices” represents an aspect of your life. By rating each one you can get a sense of where your strengths and resources lie, and which areas are the least satisfying.

It’s important to consider both: you will have the best success by leveraging the relatively positive areas to improve the low points.

Click on my version below and try it out! Be sure to think about the questions for a few moments–you want to note your initial answers as well as those which occur to you after a bit of reflection.

If you’re feeling completely stuck and confused about any of the difficult areas, consulting with an effective professional might offer just the support you need to break through.

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life balance

Rebecca | No comments

Getting What You Want • Resources • Worksheets

Life Tasks

This is a more basic version of the core areas of life that are more important to one’s health and well-being.