Couples

Do any of these sound familiar?

“We used to get along so well; but now it seems all we do is fight.”

“I'm losing my patience with all the avoidance/criticism.”

“I suggested counseling for our problems—my partner isn't willing.”

“It seems like we're having the same argument over and over.”

Clear signs of some problems in your relationship! And since you're reading this, the hard times have probably progressed to the point where you're considering some outside help.

If you're like most people, you want someone to fix your partner.

And, again like most people, what you really need is some new skills to get your mate to treat you the way you want to be treated. After all, if you couldn't get your loved one to change, how can I – a complete stranger – succeed at that?

What I can do is "translate" between the two of you so you finally get heard and understood. That's the first step to getting voluntary change that lasts.

I know how to help you have the crucial conversations that will tame your perpetual differences and resolve issues in ways that will last longer.

And if your spouse won't come in, no problem. We can talk about things you can do to change the status quo and leverage some changes in the relationship.

 

Common Times to Come In

Below are listed the most frequent milestones in a relationship that I hear from couples wanting to make an appointment. The specific reasons vary quite a bit, which makes sense, since each couple has a unique combination of backgrounds, values, interests, and temperaments.

Premarital, Pre-commitment

In preparation to living together or getting married you and your partner want to take stock. You probably have a good idea of the strengths and weaknesses in your relationship. Have you talked about how you'll negotiate the inevitable issues that will arise? Do you have a plan for deepening the strengths and alleviating the weaknesses?

Most counties in Minnesota offer a discount on marriage licenses with certificate of marriage education (see the Fees page for details).

One-year Anniversary (or, The Honeymoon's Over)

Around this time couples have started to settle into life together, and differences that can lead to conflict become more apparent. Things about your mate that you found attractive can suddenly start to irritate you.

This is very normal, though it can be a challenge to handle if you're not expecting it, or haven't had good role models on how to handle it.

The Seven-Year Itch

Couples naturally tend to seek more independence during this stage. If the groundwork for real intimacy hasn't been laid – and maintained – then any number of distractions can arise to get in the way of a satisfying relationship.

These are symptoms of distance already present in the relationship, not causes of it. Reconnecting is possible. It takes time and many actions and habits to get to this point, so it takes times and hard work to create new and better patterns.

Re-Discovery

At this stage, typically careers are established, any kids are (almost) grown, and individually you and your partner are likely to be experiencing personal renewal/growth in some significant areas in your life.

In contrast to this security and accomplishment can be the urge to reconsider priorities and contemplate major changes. Sorting through the possible consequences and preparing for new undertakings is often a focus at this point in time.

 

No matter what stage your relationship is at, I have proven, effective strategies to help you move to where you want to be. Dealing with your situation head-on and with helpful support is the path of fewest regrets.